THOUGHTS

The day I am afraid is the day I am no longer fit to lead.

2010-01-24T21:32:00.006+08:00

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Invictus, William Ernest Henley

Ambivalence

2009-03-25T13:08:00.004+08:00

I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.

Do you know what that means, ambivalence? If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...

It means I don't care. That's what it means.

On the contrary, Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.

Will I stay or will I go?

Am I sane... or, am I crazy?

Those aren't courses of action.

They can be, dear - for some.

Well, then - it's the wrong word.

No. I think it's perfect.

Everyday...

2009-03-09T13:45:00.005+08:00

100 babies are born here

1 person dies from suicide

Why do people kill themselves? Do they really want to die?

This isn't only about David Widjaja. It's about people like Magdalene, people like Marilyn Monroe

People like us.

Why do people kill themselves? Is it out of desperation? Isolation? or a lack of consolation?

Who's fault is it really? Will we every see them again? What does God have to say about this?

Who's fault is it? Parents? The school? Society? God? Are we truly responsible for our own actions, or will we succumb even this bit of lucidity before the wrist is slit?

Who is to blame? Have we talked enough? Have we even the chance?

"I'm sorry if I let you down. You are not alone. I am here for you. Stay with me. Believe. Hope. Have faith. Fight."

Live.

It's not about just talking.

It's about doing... Do we listen hard enough? Have we really done enough... for me and you?

Who's my resolution? Only God is. Nobody else will do.

Will you...

Blame.Fault.Succumb.Die.

Choose.Live.Do.God.

Don't die. Just God. Amen.

Image:cantoncrosswalk.com
Stats:http://www.singstat.gov.sg/stats/keyind.html

It's a funny thing about coming home...

2009-02-10T09:52:00.002+08:00

... Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you.

(CCBB)

Hi. I'm back typing in this forgotten space.

Hiatus

2008-10-19T18:53:00.002+08:00

Projects. Inconsiderates. Perseverance.

Catch ya later

Free Smells

2008-05-04T09:36:00.004+08:00

Rant of sorts.

It is every foodie's worst nightmare, an underrated handicap and an often-neglected privilege we enjoy.

I learnt mine the hard way when my sense of smell was taken away from me some 3 days back, without my knowledge. Before even coming to terms with the sudden change of SOLELY feeling air running through my nostrils, what came along was overwhelming.

Imagine not smelling the soap and shampoo during showers, almost tasteless delicacies, your favourite fragrance/cologne/scent resembling water, not smelling your mum's cooking

and worst of all, not smelling your beloved and the warmth of her hair.

"So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said, "Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the LORD has blessed." (Gen 27:27)

It's a ghastly experience. Horrifying and traumatic.
It messes everything around us slowly, surreptitiously. Especially the people whom we love, and they who love us back, most.

My ordeal had lasted till Sunday morning, when the stench of my towel and the fresh smell of shirt have became more apparent. Mum's curry could be whiffed at least from arm's length. It was exhilarating and Ms. Koh was the first person I shared in my relief. As I sat to savour the previously-less-appreciated curry, I came to think about our spiritual senses.

"Then Noah built an altar to the LORD and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done." (Gen 8:20)

Scientifically saying, we smell because of little nerves within our noses, which food molecules bind onto, sending signals to our brain... and so on. A pleasing aroma never fails to arouse anticipation, bring on a smile, even encourage enthusiasm and hope. Our sense of smell not only welcomes fragrance and sweet-scents, but also warns us of danger in harm's way. Imagine eating something bad and not realising it until the ambulance arrives.

A Christian hedonist believes that God's glory can only be seen unless we take pleasure solely in His presence and power. That involves our five senses. Physical and Spiritual. Being one with God and taking Him in is the key in this claim.

"Smelling" His bread of life, freshly-baked, warm and toasty, waking up to smell the coffee of His creation is definitely far more rewarding after this experience of losing it. But why only realise after it has come and gone? I believe that our afflictions do mean to happen in a similar manner. Sure we don't feel God's voice or blessings sometimes, and even if we did, sure our shallow faith freaks the living daylights out of us first, before the possibility of what God has in place for us would set in.

But unless we believe, breathe on, smell more and look forward to what our lives have in store for us, unless we cling onto the prayers of our loves and their presence in our loves, unless we believe... Really. Believe. in what God has promised us, the food we anticipate will cease to arrive to our hearts and bellies.

Thank you Lord for what you have revealed and encouraged me to see... and smell these past days. I love you for giving me love through the people closest in my heart. I praise you for healing and never despising my minuscule faith. Help me Jesus to smell and know you more in this life. Help me to love, appreciate, anticipate your promises. I want to love those you have entrusted me past, present and future, more and more. Amen.

Only Go for The Good Stuff

2008-04-24T10:12:00.005+08:00

Catholic or not, you won't regret it.

'Nuff said.

Rulebook

2008-04-19T20:06:00.007+08:00

Sometimes, I wish there were a rulebook. An instructional which tells you when the line's been crossed. It would be nice if you could see it coming, but I don't know how to fit it into a viable theorem. Engineer talk. You take it where you can get it, and let go when it's time to.

Maybe there are no rules at the end of the day. Maybe the rules are still something you have to make for yourself... and eventually for others. Where do we start really? Perhaps that's why they call Him "The Source", "The Creator". Perhaps that's why he had to personally inscribe The Ten Commandments by er, hand?

After all, it's our mistakes that make us who we are today. Take it, take root in The Word, make new rules, lock them up and keep it close to your heart. It matters.

You might just find yourself growing in proportions unimaginable.

"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!

The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights."

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (NLT)

Brooke Fraser - CS Lewis Song

2008-04-12T01:41:00.005+08:00

Imogen Heap - Goodnight and Go

2008-04-03T09:31:00.002+08:00

Let's Double-dutch Through....

2008-04-01T21:47:00.004+08:00

"Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song.
You go ahead, let your hair down.
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow."

... And I'll be there, cheering you on :)

Random Thoughts

2008-03-30T11:11:00.002+08:00

"Serving [God] is not what we do, it's who we are."

"My cracking bones make noise. We are so fragile sometimes. Breakable are we."

"It's 11:11am."

"Have I really counted my all blessings and bagged all of them?"

"Sometimes, expectations are for pursuit, not fulfilment. Lucky people attain them, Real people create [new, better ones]. It's really all about the chase; the process of it all."

"I don't believe in luck at all. Everything happens for a reason."

"Most of the time, our lacking faith surpasses our realisation... It's a scary thought."

"Our feelings are never wrong - only what we do with them, would."

There's still a little bit of your voice in my ear :)
and it's still a little hard to say, what's [everything] going on...

Lenten Reflections (I)

2008-03-22T10:51:00.006+08:00

I walked into the church hall. The lector was starting the first reading as I found a familiar corner to stand. Second reading... Gospel reading... it was a tiring day. I felt nothing. Lukewarm. It was one of those days where friends would define as "your winter season". But i didn't expect winter to last so shortly.

Fr. Bosco took the stand as he shared our weekly bread. Today's sermon was about Lent - Abstinence.

"Lent isn't about deliberately making us suffer. It is the exercise of saying 'NO' when temptations tend to lead us to sin, bearing new fruits as a result. There isn't always a need to abstain from something completely, especially when it doesn't cost you anything. However, the problem when people fast, is that we forget to realise that and continuously focus on just maintaining the strictness of the fast."

I left church with a new perspective for (at least) the next forty days. It was time for change and at risk of being cliche, "do something for God".

Forty days and nights with no meat or seafood was my offering for this season. It's my first and I was really hoping it would last. My mission for Lent: Learning to love freely. It was inspired by my dear friend The Fool, during a particular conversation we had online.

The fast turned out easier than I had expected - possibly due to my love for eating my veggies (kudos to the Mother who taught me good eating habits!) and the flexibility of my exercise.

The spiritual fast, however, begged to differ....

Fear

2008-03-21T11:38:00.004+08:00

Several decades ago, Martin Luther King Jr shared this: Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. This is the man who had a dream, and died for it. But how often do we live and love, freely?

I don't know why people feel or do things a certain way, but if I had to say, it's probably got to do with fear. Lots of it. Fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just our words and actions, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. We can't pretend as if we didn't know. We've all heard the proverbs, heard those words of wisdom, heard our daddy and mummy warning us about lost time, heard the lamentations of the elders or friends. But we choose, surreptitiously, to see and feel this for ourselves. Making our own mistakes, screwing things up, regret a little... Our lessons are just ours to learn.

We choose to sweep everything under tomorrow's rug until the sun doesn't shine anymore. Until the harshness of reality kicks us in the nuts. That life lived in fear is no life at all. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the worst failure, the worst, beats anyone who never tries.

That loving the ones who matter, those who make us laugh, fume and cry, is God's blessing, no matter how hard we try.

Maybe that's Mr King's point - we don't ever finish climbing the stairs, every step's a victory on its own.

We choose. To live. To love. Always.

Pertinaciousness

2008-03-18T18:24:00.005+08:00

You cannot let your frustration get the best of you, you cannot play "what if," and you most certainly cannot feel sorry for yourself. If you go down that road, you have already lost.

Stay within yourself, focus on the task at hand, never give up hope.

I do not believe in odds.

Rise. Above.

Kind of Perfect

2008-03-13T00:37:00.003+08:00

"Some days ... the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, and probably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again."

Hot Stuff, "Hawt" Stuff, kind of perfect.

Yeah.

In our longing...

2008-03-09T17:56:00.003+08:00

... we thirst for guidance,
to walk with you day by day.

I thirst, Lord. Beyond reason, lost in emotions, clearly in madness, sweetly redeemed, wholly surrendered...

surely in love.

Dangerous Feelings

2008-03-08T18:18:00.005+08:00

Despite the fact that there are over four million people on the recently-not-so-sunny-island of Singapore, there are times I still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times like when Noah sends a dove, eagerly waiting for a sign....

...or an SMS.

Craving...

2008-03-07T11:42:00.002+08:00

... not for meat, maybe fish, but definitely this!

Maybe my next Lenten devotion should be to abstain from book-shopping....

Wish. you. were. here.

All I See...

2008-02-29T09:15:00.004+08:00

...is about a hundred steps between where we are and what this really holds for us.
There'll be slow steps. There’ll be fun steps. There’ll be sexy steps.

We’ll try not to fall down them together, enjoying each moment as it comes. Okay?

Trust

2008-02-29T09:00:00.002+08:00

It's been a long day.... And what I've heard or seen in around lately has shown how fragile life and friendships can be. At some points it's a helpless cause, or so we seem to believe. Others, just something or someone we have given up on altogether.

Our soul craves for significance, but yet it desires an equal share of isolated serenity. We feel pain but learn to adapt to it, or just pretend that it isn't there. We say we move on but where and when do we lay those burdens down? Completely.

What can heal an wounded soul? what's makes our hearts, our intentions white as snow? What can feel that emptiness? What can mend that brokenness? What can really make us whole?

Maybe there's a reason for Simon of Cyrene's appearance in the Passion. As much as we have to bear our crosses and make that journey through life, we are never alone in doing God's Will. We may falter and make mistakes, bleed and sweat till there's no more, no more to give; but all that claims its worth when someone cares, love and tries to understand.

The whole process is painful and sometimes we have to face our cruxifixions alone. Sometimes we feel that God is neither here nor there, but He tears with overcasting black clouds and heavy raindrops every time our hope dies momentarily.

Mighty is the power of the cross. We can worry and lose some faith, but isn't then the time where "trusting in God" begins? Jesus did that, He got scourged and felt abandoned at certain times; but he never stopped His purpose to love. We crave for significance, but more deeply, a perfect love with no worries and free. Lay your burdens on His cross today. Tell. Forgive. Let go. Be brave. Be bold. Let grow.

Love free (:

What's At Stake Here?

2008-02-15T14:04:00.000+08:00

It's the auspicious festive season and not surprisingly, hordes of hopefuls have trying their "new year luck" at the local lottery stands. Heard it's an especially good year for the ox (my horoscope :) and some friends have been asking me for "lucky digits". And so I came to think about gambling our hearts, when it comes to relationships.

People buy "Big Sweeps" for the exact reason we take that chance in love - hoping to hit the jackpot. But many times, we just wind up disappointed and feel alone. If we already know that Singapore Pools always wins...

.... why gamble?

Sometimes, we say that our close friends and family are only worth such risks. We choose people worthy of cliques and detach ourselves from the probable harm of the unknown. But is our capacity for love this limited? Or are we just hiding behind our friends? The Bible says Christian love is patient and kind.... Y'know the rest already. But before that, who are the people we choose to bet our feelings on? Are we only limited to our fears to risk it all, rather than a choice that could change our very lives?

If I could describe Christ's love from a first impression, I think it would be "inclusive".
Choose your friends wisely, but keep your enemies closer, they say. In fact, keep them at hugging-distance. Ah, these guys must've seen Jesus at work.

There's someone I know, who treasures reconciliation above else in friendships. Likewise she has her fair share of mistakes in relationships - being hurtful, angry.... But she doesn't fail in finding her peace with people eventually. Especially so, for those whom I personally find hard to forgive.

I admire her. I pondered on her drive. When asked, she simply explained, "These people have been placed in this journey for a reason. Despite their shortcomings and faults, we all stem from that same image of God. We aren't different. We just think we are."
I couldn't help but feel at peace with her amazing smile. Life is test and trust. Sometimes we lose the game and all our money in it, but with some work, our chance to strike it good again will never really be gone.

Maybe some things are just worth the gamble, after all.

Then, Now and Forever

2008-02-13T23:37:00.004+08:00

It was a special night of sorts. I stood from a safe distance, watching. I didn't shed a tear. I knew they would be fine. I was relunctant to be wilful and selfish. I was sad that they were leaving, but maybe I was even more sad for myself. I couldn't decide.

As Lyn and Chris walked into that glassy gate, I knew it was official - a new season had begun. Maybe our memories are what make our fate, without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never shared this life, we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change, so do cities. People come and people go. But it's comforting to know, the ones you love are always in your heart.

And if you're very lucky.... a plane ride away.

(For Viv, Tek, Lyn & Chris.... Already missing you guys. Work fun and have hard :)

The Worst Sin?

2008-02-11T23:01:00.000+08:00

"There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft....When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness."

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

2008-02-11T22:32:00.000+08:00

We can wait till reality ceases. Think, hem and haw for a lifetime. Cry buckets and pee in our pants. Reminisce good times or worst, old nightmares and fears.

We can tell ourselves it's ok. Or die asking why.

But the point is, we can.
To choose and make a decision of a lifetime. Take that mad bound of faith, hope and love. Never falling short of expectations, because the bad ones are never ours to keep anyway.

To love. To hurt. To be free.

Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda.

Stop.

Knowing You...

2008-02-05T18:49:00.000+08:00

... scares me. Sometimes.

But I just wind up desiring, finding you... again.

more. ...............................................................
and.
more........................................

Sure

2008-02-02T09:56:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I know, others I don't. Sometimes you show, but others you leave me wondering.

What is it that you feel? I'm still not sure.

I had ran, I know.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid - that I can't give you enough. And I'm scared as hell to want you, but here I am, wanting you anyway. But fear means I have something to lose, right? And I don't want to lose you.

Trust me. Be sure for me.
I'd wish to make this step.

Soon.

Please, look at me.
Tell me. Give me something to believe in. Show me.

It's just emotions...

2008-01-30T22:48:00.000+08:00

... taking me over.

Wait. Who's taking over who?
How often have I been a slave to my emotions! How often have I chosen not to rise above - to wallow in pain; just to ensure, that my existence... my "realness" is true.

When did my emotions turn evil? When had the sun set on my anger? When did my heart harden? Why?
I refused to hold my heart by its reins, I wasn't brave enough. I thought I cannot withstand another setback, but who knows until we try?

People have taught me one thing - we all have needs.
Purpose is about fulfilling these needs. A need...

for a touch
for food
for a home
for a hug
for security
for safety
for peace
for love
for friends
for family
for significance
for acceptance
for grace
for usefulness
for integration
for gifts... but most of all,

a need for holiness... self-transcendence... being saintly... pure... selfless... Christlike.

When these needs are void, our emotions are churned. Our bodies and minds run amok, we lose our tempers, our cool, our confidence... and eventually, ourselves.
It's just emotions? It isn't - there's more to discover. Never repress nor deny what you feel. Never. Know yourself, give names to feelings, observe the times when these names surface, confront it and pray.
Oh... never, never forget to pray.

Emotions are not evil. They are gifts. They are clues to finding the key of your heart and thus, yourself.

We know God in knowing our underrated selves better. We are reflections of His image. To know is to love God. I live to know God.

Don't let the sun set on your anger. Steer it, by the reins into that shade, out of harm's way.

Less than 2 hours...

2008-01-24T12:40:00.000+08:00

...and you're off to something good. Exciting I reckon even. I'm happy, we're happy... Of course we are.

But I'm just sad to see you walk through that glass, bro.
It's weird. 6 months (or so) isn't long they say.

But only once it has passed isn't it?
Tennis, sharing drags and chill-outs won't be the same without you... For now.

Come home soon man.

Faith

2008-01-23T12:27:00.000+08:00

"Does God exist?" An elder asked.

"Yes." I replied.

"Wrong." He corrected.

"No?" I reacted.

"Wrong again." He smiled.

"So, what's the answer?"

"There is no answer."

"Why ever not?" I asked, astonished and confused.

"Because there is no question.
If you cannot say anything about Him, who is indescribable - beyond words, thoughts, imagination or fantasy... How can you ask anything about Him?"

I'm Disgusting

2008-01-12T01:40:00.000+08:00

Bought 200 bucks worth of books in a week.
I'm disgusting.
Thus, my new current figure of unread books has reached almost 20.
I'm disgusting.
I have tons of untouched tutorials and I'm going JB for a retreat.
I'm disgusting.
I've gained 5kg since 2007.
I'm disgusting.
Thus, I can't fit nicely into the Eden tee while everyone else could.
I'm disgusting.

Heck, but God still loves me anyway.
I'll do something. Real soon.

It stung...

2008-01-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

... seeing that I'm the odd one out.

Neh mind. Rise above (:

Regrets

2008-01-07T14:47:00.000+08:00

One day, I was walking along the streets, towards the place where prayer meets are religiously held. It was rainy. Heavy drizzle. The sun had almost set and I beginning to rush since it was almost time before the sessions start.

The bags of food were heavy, but manageable. Water was trickling down my temples, in between my glasses. I was feeling lonely but not abandoned.
This moment, an elderly man gingerly rubbed his shoulders across mine. The floor was slippery due to the rain, so I didn't mind. A surge of regret invaded my head. It was, in some ways, surreptitious. Yet its entry was nowhere far from aboveboard.

I begin to wondered what regret the old man harboured in his possibly-60-odd-plus years of life. Did he regret not having kids? Or landing that first kiss? Did he wish he worked harder at school? Or take up that one-in-a-blue-moon, business opportunity? Did he wish he learnt music more diligently? Or paid more attention to his spoken English? Did he regret not apologising to someone who meant the world to him? Or attend church whenever Sunday comes? Maybe he'd wished he had been more filial, or a better father or husband?

I could go on and on until the prayer meet ends, and probably not stop till then. It's bottomless, this pit of regrets. I switched off the emotional, self-pitying vacuum after realising one thing...

Regrets only remind us that this day, we are helpless.
This day makes all those other days when you fight to seize the day. This day makes us grateful we have a chance to do anything at all.

Take it in.

It's exceptionally depressing...

2008-01-06T02:07:00.000+08:00

... when the day had to start bad, matter solved, great evening, which ended badly the moment I got back.

Kind of like in a drama serial - the show must go on. The happy ending doesn't come easily... or does it even come at all?
I feel like a criminal. I hate this.

I really really HATE this.

Germ's 21st

2008-01-05T00:30:00.001+08:00

Overdue post. Attended Germaine's 21st Birthday Party on Boxing Day, Aloha Loyang, lovingly planned by Lionel and family.

Everybody helped with the decorations prior the party's start...

There isn't much for me to say with words. So I'd just leave this to the pictures to do the talking...

The happy couple (:

The bestie

The turnout.

The Original Trio

The Newcomer (right)

How we eat cake...

With our noses...

which escalates into an...

...ehhh!!!

Love these guys to bits!

Change

2007-12-29T13:35:00.000+08:00

Change; we don't like it, and fear it, but we can't stop its timely arrival. We can either adapt to change, raise above the discomfort or get left behind, and be lost in the emotional tempest. It always hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here's one truth: sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And sometimes... sometimes change can be good.

Sometimes, change is everything.

In serving God's ministry. Changes in "seasons" of our services is commonly mentioned and experienced, our spiritual focus shifts, starving levels for God's desperately increase. Faith is everything, because nothing remains the same for long, and great leaps of faith are needed in the process.

We either adapt to change, or we get left behind.

In The Bleak Midwinter

2007-12-27T20:40:00.000+08:00

In the bleak midwinter, frost wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
in the bleak midwinter, long ago.

Our God, heaven cannot hold him, nor earth sustain;
heaven and earth shall flee away when he comes to reign.
In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed
the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

Angels and archangels may have gathered there,
cherubim and seraphim thronged the air;
but his mother only, in her maiden bliss,
worshipped the beloved with a kiss.

What can I give him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
if I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;
yet what I can I give him: give my heart.

Addiction

2007-12-26T14:32:00.001+08:00

Serving the church, encountering others with addictions aren't uncommon. It's unexpectedly shocking when we come to realise the sorts of addictions that exist. It would be too easy if it were just drugs and booze and cigarettes. But apart from realising the depth of our bondage to habitual vices, I also think the hardest part of kicking a habit is desiring it.

I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of our lives at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control.
After all, it's the high we're chasing.

The high that makes everything else fade away.

Tem.po.ra.rily.

Temptations At Its Limit

2007-12-26T13:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, just moments before we reach a certain spiritual breakthrough, there will always be occurrences, which work to counter-produce its effect. So we make a choice. We make a choice between (as what the world would perceive) good or bad.

It's like forgoing opportunity costs in order to gain that leap in faith. Most of the time, we fail to realise the value of faith, which probably is the only cure for our daily temptations. Faith always gives sufficient dosage for every bout of temptation, but how often do we inject all of it into our own beings?

My walk with Jesus was stifled this Christmas. I didn't fall into temptation.
Just nearly.

They say people never kick the habit until we reach rock bottom, but how low is that really? Sometimes letting go hurts more than experiencing the pain itself. It's less enduring, but definitely much agonising in its process.
We sought friends and addictions; and think that answers are hidden in them somewhere. Eventually we get desperate and ask a God we don't even understand. How do we seek an answer? One which sends peace in our minds? That answer for every tear we shed.

The answer that will make all things right?

"Jesus answered, I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him."

Lord, I know for a fact that there isn't an answer here, for the peace that only you can give. Help us to overlook our pains for a hopeful future. Leave us "your peace", which forges us into the men and women you had deemed us to be. Sharpen our sense for your presence. Rekindle our hearts aflame. Walk with us. Merry Christmas Father. Thank you for bringing us a way to seek you today.

Spirit of The Living God, fall afresh on me.

Tis the Season

2007-12-24T16:11:00.000+08:00

Happy Holidays to one and all.

The past year has certainly brought about an avalanche of revelations, growth and hope. May the coming one be filled with excitement, rewards and love.

Merry Christmas (:

Should I Decide It's True

2007-12-23T06:57:00.000+08:00

Should I decide it's true,
after all we've been through?
The smell of your hair,
The touch you always drew.

Should I decide it's true,
with those words, "I miss you"?
The cold, and the warmth.
It fluctuates, consuming me.

Should I decide it's true,
when this confusion's all i knew.
Give me reasons to believe,
hold my breath, make it new.

About Unforgiveness

2007-12-21T11:45:00.000+08:00

I wished you treated me fairly.

And considered my feelings, my self-worth, my pride, my interests. You knew I'd give it all. You knew I was sincere. You took advantage of these.

I'm disappointed.

Why didn't you explain? Why does it hurt so much even though I knew better? Sometimes, they say it's not about how you feel. Sometimes, all that matters, is the faith you have from within.

Sometimes, I'd rather say, "screw this!"

I feel useless, disposable even, to you. Why does it hurt so much, even though I knew better? I can't ignore what I feel... can I?
If you're ain't gonna bother, then so would I.
I'll give up on you, I'll give up on everyone.

I'll give up... on me.

"Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my Savior and my God!" (Ps 42:11)

I prayed, He said, "let it go."

"why should I?" I responded.

He repeated, "let it go."

"they don't deserve any of it!" I retorted.

He paused, "let it go."

You came along. I decided to ask why. Unforgiveness melted.
So Lord, I did give in... and you took it all away.
Just. Like. That.

Most of the time, unforgiveness is something we refuse to give up. It eats you from the inside out. We take it out on the people we love sometimes. We forget that nobody's perfect - especially those whom we put on a pedestal. We lose the ones who matter, voluntarily. It feels good to know that we're right and not at fault, but what does that prove? Unforgiveness is toxic, addictive and self-detrimental. Usually, all we need is courage. It doesn't matter how the person responds (in a forgivable manner or not), but telling the Lord that you'd honestly tried. For some of us, trying for change is everything.

The Holidays So Far

2007-12-18T08:42:00.000+08:00

Goood Mooorning!

Not sure of how i should go about writing this post, but it's been a fulfilling and quick holiday so far. Christmas is less than a week away and I haven't found time to finish up my shopping for presents and home.

Life in ministry has taken newer levels for me this season. I've learnt so much, that it's crazy to summarise everything on this post. The people placed in my journey through YISS and LFC ("Iluminate") have showed me so much about God and His plans for me.
This mission I choose to take would be painful and long; but also rewarding and full of promises.

Guess this post would also serve as a prologue about what I need to log about this holidays. So much has been experienced; it'd be a terrible waste if I were to forget something constitutive in making the Winston I am today.

Invisible

2007-12-04T09:43:00.000+08:00

It's only been a month, and I'm feeling nothing more than invisible in your midst. I'm bothered but not devastated; upset but not enough to ruin the day.

You've forgotten about me people. And I'm sorely disappointed...

even disgusted, to some extent.

PS: Hi again, after a month-long hiatus (:

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

2007-10-24T22:28:00.000+08:00

An unexpectingly long, stressful day. And it's not exactly work-related.

Highlight of the day (and most probably, the week):

Tennis!

'Cause I could finally hit the blardie ball within the court!
'Cause I did make some pretty decent shots (proud of myself. hoho!)

'Cause the evening spent with the guys (who have been so patient and supportive despite my idiotic reactions) really lifted my moods. "HELLOOO~"

I'm hyped.
Thanks for the msgs/tags/sms y'all... meant lots!
You know who you are (:

Maybe...

2007-10-22T19:38:00.000+08:00

... it's the horrendous workload, or just one of those days.

And loneliness is all I can feel.

What Was I Thinking?!

2007-10-12T01:19:00.001+08:00

Wake up.

It's not happening - a nightmare.

Wake up.

Broken

2007-10-11T01:51:00.000+08:00

Everything I once held dear,
I count it all as lost.

Rid me of myself.

Break my heart for what breaks yours,
and lead me to your heart.

Another Chance

2007-10-07T19:47:00.000+08:00

(Long post; pictures are not original)

It's been some while since I blogged. Been utterly busy, with school and well, life (:

Was invited to Mo's confirmation today. Really proud to see so many new additions to our faith and knowing how much some of them have grown, spiritually. Mass was exceptionally heartfelt and enjoyable today but I was struck by a sight that got me thinking.

Around the back of the line, as the confirmants took turns to be blessed with chrism oil by the archbishop, was a man in a folding walker. As he moved gingerly towards the altar, I noticed the man was probably in his late thirties. He was one of 30 odd newly-confirmed Catholics today.

My heart went out for him as I saw him move cautiously down the altar after the receiving his blessing - He was of a considerably young age, with dreams that were probably shattered before. I do not know whether these shards had ever been put back together, but it was possible that he could've placed his remaining hopes on God.
He could've done something wrong and today was the moment of truth - that day when he chose to surrender whatever that's left of him, to God.
Somehow, I knew that at least one person who was there today, had the thought of coming before God, with bowed heads and bended knees, as a last resort.

Life is about second chances.

Somewhere down that road, we might have erred and felt guilty about it. We choose - to run or to confront; to come back or just stand, not moving on. We may feel unworthy of another chance or cheat ourselves that we don't need it. We feign its existence and simply evade it when the opportunities arise. Citing a lack of courage or readiness to face the reality.

But deep down, we all know that one of our most intrinsic desires is for that fateful time to occur once more, for history to repeat itself, so we could rewrite it and reverse the damage we had caused to ourselves, to the ones we swore to love. To regain what we had lost or make things right. We can run and tell ourselves it's okay, but live in constant, self-inflicted unforgiveness.

I know a woman whose son was unfaithful in his previous relationship. It wasn't known clearly, among the rest of the extended family, what caused the breakup. However, the mother obscured the truth, emphasizing how wilful the previous girlfriend was. Although the son was had been placed in a better light among us, she had shared his guilt of breaking a faithful heart. The girl wasn't perfect but she saw through it and moved on. She didn't choose to run. The mother's weary eyes tell me all as she recounts her mislead. Purposely.

Maybe she knew that second chances are rare. People are not always so forgiving. She probably weighed her pros and cons, found living a lie more emotionally-economical. Her son continues to live his prodigal ways, squandering her life-earnings as she saves her face. Fair deal? I really can't say.

Looking at cross in the parish hall. The image of the crucified Christ reminded of the reality and no matter which way we run or how fast, God is sovereign. His gaze greatly overlooks our existence but He chose to fixate at us all in the eye, waiting for our response, to admit His Lordship in our lives. It was then His crown, wounds, blood, tears, sweat and tears spoke in unison of a single word:

"Chances."

Christ didn't die to give us one last chance. He knew we are most likely to run anyway. Christ died for infinite chances, infinite mercy, infinite love. There is no last warning: He speaks to us constantly - but are we listening?

Sunrays rainbow through the new stained-glass windows of St. Stephen Church. The man in a walker returned to his seat.

"A thousand times I fail, your mercy remains. Should I stumble again, I'm saved my your grace. Everlasting."

Jesus chose those nails for me. He really did.

P/S: Congrats to MoMoMOSES on your confirmation! Just want to thank you for being part of this life. May this new phase bring you more joy in service of God's glory! Love ya bro!

The Purpose to Drive This Life

2007-09-29T02:18:00.000+08:00

"Through education, counselling and service, my aim is to testify and mete out the reality of God in the lives of people today. Forging meaningful relationships, reconciling trust and understanding of God."

I know now, Lord.

I obey. Amen.

I Want to Play Tennis!

2007-09-27T12:30:00.000+08:00

Had my virgin encounter yesterday. Initially, it was really frustrating since I couldn't hit the ball much and even if i did, it would end up in the wrong direction or too high/low.

Think I wasted more than 5 tennis balls for that afternoon game (Sorry guys!)
Russ and Lionel were really supportive and patient. Guess I'd have lost my mood to learn and given up if they weren't constantly encouraging and guiding me. Thanks bros!

Now, after smacking a few balls successfully, I'm super (charred but) enthused about the next game. Hope it'll be reeeally soooon!

I need a cap and my own racket pronto!

Dealing With Anger At Work

2007-09-25T22:23:00.000+08:00

This is a good one. Especially for you if the following scenario constantly happens at work:

"In our personal and professional lives, sometimes we receive e-mails that are upsetting... Like this one I received last week.

Click to see larger image

Now my first instinct was to respond like this...

I don't end up sending mails like these; and they usually somehow end up like this:

This usually bottles up alot of anger, which we end up venting on the ones we love - like our handphones and cameras. However, there's a better alternative...

It's called "Punctuation Substitution". As you can see, by replacing the punctuations we use with simple phrases, we can greatly expand our vocabulary and intentions in our e-mails...

Return to the e-mail we viewed earlier. Try this technique and see your day brighten up. Cheerios!"

Hilarious!

Credits: Zefrank (http://www.zefrank.com/punc/)

(SJC Con Camp) On a blogroll...

2007-09-21T14:30:00.000+08:00

... to make up for lost time.

SJC Confirmation Camp had been extraordinary, which was definitely expected but indefinitely awe-inspiring for us still - the confirmants and service team.
It was an amazing opportunity for everyone in many ways.
I got to know the dedicated, adorable, telepathically-linked-fellow-madwoman Val. Learnt so much from her as we journeyed through this camp. The best part of all, was to see how much the confirmants have opened up and took that leap of faith to surrender all to Jesus. Truly, it reminded strongly of how I was right after YISS.

Okay, I'm tired and there's nothing intelligent to say. The photos Val took would do the talking now.

Group name. We had people who exhibited prophetic gifts! How apt.

The usual suspects in the gang. It's the most diverse bunch of confirmants I met so far. From the quietest Jasmine, to the "loud-is-an-understatement" Denise. Heh.
(L-R:(Front)Me, Denise, Shaun, Val (Back)Anastasia, Jasmine, Ernest, Chris, Jamues)

I always knew Denise is a Predator.

Val and me inked tattoos for free whenever we can.

Miss-smiles-alot Theresa was our most recent client.

We thrive on consumer satisfaction. Success!

The big day: smiles.. tears.. cameras.. pictures.. Memories. We were proud facils. Still are!

"Mp3 Ministry": Tired but exhilarated after the camp.

Lazy sunday lunch after the celebrations.

Some of us were goofy.

Others, zapped (out of every possible life energy) while some were just...

... simply stoned (:

What a day.

'Nuff with the pictures. Time for a much-missed afternoon nap!

In a thin-air state...

2007-09-21T13:54:00.000+08:00

... for some time now. Sorry for the lack of posts, the absence and premature departures, never been so busy with school before - which is kind of a good and bad thing.

With the recess kicking off, guess it's time I polish those boots and pull those socks. The tests are after all, a good wake-up call to my current lousy standards.
Would be lying to say I'm not disturbed.

I don't like to lose. Nobody does.

Anybody game for booze?

A Chosen Generation

2007-09-09T20:11:00.000+08:00

"but you are the Chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light."

- 1 Peter 2:9

You brought me back from the wilderness; and I found more faith.

New faith in you.

Thank you, for never giving up on me.

P/S: Pictures comin' up soon, I hope.

*Shouts: MotherHen Koh and my dear Ah-Val!!

Keep Breathing

2007-09-06T00:38:00.000+08:00

The storm is coming, but I don't mind.
People are dying. I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world... instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than... you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing now.

New Skin Again?!

2007-09-02T15:14:00.000+08:00

O
O
O
Yeap, got sick of the old one.
O
O
O

Ribs

2007-08-21T21:44:00.000+08:00

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess."

Guessed many have probably already figured, about the rough patch I've been enduring for the past few weeks - but this post is only about the people who are what ribs are to our human hearts.

They are the ones who hold you from jumping off that emotional Golden Gate Bridge. People who denounce "The Other" that Coelho warned us about.

Cushions of our falls.

Bungee cords.

Thank you everybody. For saving me whenever I fall in the darkest pit. Thank you for the tags, words of concern and encouragement.
Thank you for those smses. I rested on your prayers. You know who you are (:

May the Lord bless, those whom I call friends, for being my rib bones and the other various parts.

2007-08-21T21:21:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning. A funny taste in the head.
Muesli never looked more appetising and I'm back to where I was, again.
It's not always a bad thing. Life's much simpler this way.

Something tastes different and for a moment, I wasn't so young. Then again, maybe it's my tongue.

Looking wistfully at the calendar, the mirror, and that letter. Apathy is all I had exuded - There was no more to give, except all that's left of me.

but you didn't take me the way that I am. You have had your fill of me.

and that was then.
I'm back to where I was, again. Life's simpler this way.

and it's good.

Ingrid Michaelson

2007-08-21T21:18:00.000+08:00

Simply Godsent (:

Giving Up

2007-08-14T23:58:00.000+08:00

Sometimes life just consumes you.
OOIt eats you up inside.

And with my heart in my hands, it slowly drifts. Betrayed and somewhat foreign, I don't know it anymore. Replace it with my face, wait for the time to come.

and all I can do now, is to wait. again.

For once again,
I don't want to dream anymore.
For once again,
I'd refuse to fight.
For once again,
I want to cry it all out, but I can't.

and this sucks

Life had consumed me today. Almost everything, all of me.

Random Emo-ing

2007-08-03T21:55:00.000+08:00

Hello, old friend.

It's been a looong while since I felt this emooo. Ha.

Set me in flames now...

... and tell me it does hurt this much.

Happiness

2007-07-30T00:38:00.000+08:00

Charles Cummings once wrote, that "haste empties our lives of experiences that need to be savoured slowly to be appreciated".
Trapped in the nonsenseical rush, isn't it true, that we tend to lose the free will to reflect, meditate and relish the fruits of our actions?

Isn't it true, that most of us are still searching for THAT meaning in our lives?

Morrie, the mentor of Mitch Albom in his award-winning book, "Tuesdays with Morrie", clearly expressed this real and present issue:
"... everyone is in such a hurry. People haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're running all the time looking for it. They think they'll find it in the next car, the next house, the next job. (or the next romance, if i may personally add!!) Then they find those things are empty, too, and they keep running"

When it comes to the search of life's purpose and meaning, the pursuit to happiness...

...When does it ever end?

I had just returned from coffee, movie and dinner with the "Hospians" (hahaha!! OMG that just came out from nowhere!).

It's a first for us - casual chats and sharings over caffeine, in a relatively small and cold coffeebean&tealeaf outlet near holy grounds. It wasn't a meeting meeting. More of a gathering of sorts.
Birthday songs, candles, mudpies, quiche, napkins and cups of iced water.
Tears, smiles, laughters, words, affirmations, prayers and love.

It was one of those days where I refuse to rush. Strolling, listening, responding and absorbing. Appreciating every epiphany, in learning from the uniquely special revelations, that has moved and made an impact in our present situations. It was a nice, slow Sunday and I intended to keep it that way.
On the quiet MRT ride home, listening to Hillsong United's "Saviour King" and flipping my book of daily readings, a thought struck me, like cold water splashed on my face...

I had never enjoyed myself with the Hospians this much.

My haste to meet with agendas and tasks has caused me to overlook the doorway to happiness, the stairway to God's glory. I wanted to reach and touch the lives of the people of God, but failed to care for the ones that matter most to me - the ones I call my brothers and sisters in Christ, my ministry, my family.
I may pride myself for punctually meeting datelines and being efficient in showing results, but all these don't matter if I do not feel the love, belonging, care and support of my family, my community of friends and fellow sojourners in faith.

Happiness is knowing what you want and that you're in the process of obtaining it.

We can never do it in solitude. Even prayer involves a minimal two-way conversation. It is when we stop being busy with ourselves and listen to God in prayer and worship. Someone whom I deeply respect, recently shared with me, that "it's all about seeing God eyeball-to-eyeball and speaking in confidence of what you want", because we are made to worship everything we are, everything we do to please God.

We are made for God. We are made to worship.

~~~

"Father God, thank you for this beautiful people you have graced in my life. Help us to make our everyday lives, a form of worship to Your infinite glory. Bless us with discernment and unveiling of our true needs and purpose. Help us to balance our actions with contemplation. Root us in love and deliver us from evil. Amen."

Thank you Hospi, for never failing to bless me with surprises, gladness and love. There is nothing more I ask for in
Lyd, Lyn, Becks, Nat, Viv, Larris and Cher.

P/S: Special shoutout to Cooro, Christine and Marius! Didn't forget you guys at all (:

Lord, if only

2007-07-28T16:07:00.000+08:00

Lord, if only

I'd surrender, for the touch of you.
I'd stop, for once and remember you.
I'd learn, for knowing the gravity of my mistakes.
I'd hold on, and make good what's promised to you.

I can be your faithful servant. I can be your loving follower.

Lord, if only

I'd pick up, that cross which is oh-so-clear before me.
I'd cry, and give it all up to you.
I'd empathise, Your pain above all else.
I'd buck up, and stay in that race to you.

I can never be far. I can walk with you.

Lord, if only

I'd stop, making those same mistakes in front of you.
I'd start, loving and serving and knowing you.
I'd rise, above all obstacles and cling onto Your grace.
I'd love, and know You're in this place.

I can be happy. I can be still...

... and know, You are God.

The Wait Poem

2007-07-28T02:07:00.000+08:00

The Wait Poem
Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

(Thank you for the most beautiful poem. You know why it's beautiful to me. You know who you are :)

Worries...

2007-07-28T00:29:00.000+08:00

Lots had happened lately.

been busy with meetups/meetings/practices/work/events for the past weeks. I don't think I can remember everything that had happened... would be too lazy to type it all out anyway.

However, one of the many important things I've learnt is to stop worrying and start doing - to "do my best and let God settle the rest". However, simply believing in God can be difficult, especially at times when things look nothing better than grim.
It's funny how we can go on and on about our insecurities, but overlook our abilities to control them. We belittle ourselves and the grace that the Lord has vested upon us. We engross ourselves in certain irrelevant concerns in life, even to the point of obsession. The worries may go but eventually return in different problems.

When will these worries ever end?

I recalled this comment, written by Joseph T. McGloin in the Catholic Digest:
"Worrying about the future is a waste of time, either causing you to suffer in anticipation of things that will never happen, or forcing you to endure twice those pains which do eventually come along"

I've came to realise, in the numerous plannings I was involved in, from events to choreographs to even simple gatherings, most of my worries were either unfounded and never appreciated.
They (my worries) felt more like a negative externality (jules: economic term!! hoho!!) than a necessity. True that we usually worry because of our strong concerns about the issue at hand, but doesn't it also depreciate the values and satisfaction, that we are seeking in this life's journey?

Fear and worry are never a part of a Christian's life. Our feelings do indicate the importance and value of the things that matter, but how many times have my emotions been inaccurate in gauging the gravity of situations, based on my own senses? How many times have we overlooked the fact that everyone has worries too, some with frustrations greater than our own? What good would all these stagnancy lead to eventually?

It was never about my worries alone anyway.

A fortnight ago, I prayed to the Lord "to protect us from all anxiety" in a weekday Mass service. Believing in His wisdom and foresight (which i often fail to remind myself at times), I lifted everything that heavied my heart.
A gentle, emancipative release overcame me.

A gathering of hope, optimism and confidence welled within me. I trusted.

And with that familiar peace, I knew, the best is yet to come.

Random Post

2007-07-04T23:50:00.001+08:00

Had a simple dinner with hospi last week, before lyd flew for the hills and for the recently-belated birthdays. (lyn & becks)
the usual suspects attended, missing viv, larris, cooro and alicia ):

I just simply adore them!

Finally scouted SKS bookshop for some research. There was so much to see, I couldn't bring myself to leave until the hunger pangs came. Guess this won't be the last visit this month.

Messed up my timetable big time today. Ugh! Funny I'm least worried though.

Optimism beckons.

Looking...

2007-07-03T22:23:00.000+08:00

... at those pages in my life, I've realised how much these 2 years have changed me so far.

The time wasted.
The stupidity.
The procrastination.

The mistakes made, and
subsequent lessons learnt.

The rollercoaster spiritual life.
The disappointments.
The confusion.
The revelations (:
The transformations.

The love, and
the hatred.

The realities and its ugliness.
The pain, and
the disappointments.
The courage.
The reconciliations.
The feelings.
The discourse with God.

The visions and my continuing search,
for that sole mission for You.

"Lord I give You my life, I give You my soul. I live for You alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way with me."

Tis' Been Awhile...

2007-06-26T13:19:00.001+08:00

... since I wrote in this space. sorry, been busy (bumming and slacking my arse off of course :) did up my scripture journal finally though.

great. someone just spoilt my mood to log.

updates soon. when i feel like it again.

1 Thessalonians 5:4-6

2007-06-13T00:29:00.000+08:00

"But you, brothers, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled."

More than that, we are called to be WARRIORS.

I'm ultra excited! Here I go! Hear me rawrrr... for God!!!

Unwritten I

2007-06-12T13:57:00.000+08:00

I had my share of disappointments too.

And I never forgotten about you two. You are dear to me. I wasn't angry. Okay, maybe just a weeny bit about some things you have said. But those didn't last to bear any grudge.
It's not like I didn't try, I really did. You may not remember it but I was let down a couple of times too.

I was busy, still am. It's a worthy cause. It's a priority I've committed my life to.
School's definitely not as busy, but it soon shall be, just like how everyone gets busy when the term starts. It's not easy once more responsibilities fall upon us. Time gets eaten up quickly and next thing I know, we're in a new place.

It's not that I never reply. I was away and by the time I returned, you were gone. What have I to say? It's just like those moments when I initiate and you immediately said you have to go. Do all these count? Maybe they do. I'm tired too, but it's not towards you. I don't expect you to understand, even my folks don't. sometimes.

It's been the busiest holiday in my entire life - that's up to you to believe me. But I'll make time, before july. I want to. Promise.

I still love you guys. very much.

"Walk Away?"...

2007-06-06T21:34:00.000+08:00

... was the advice Lai randomly suggested, over a long drag and coffee today. I found myself taking her words with natural apprehension, upon hearing them.

It was never in me to walk, much less run, away from an impending issue.
Unless it's something, whereby I know I've done everything I could despite little help or change to the cause.
I was... no, I AM the confrontational sort - front, back and center. That's just me. Evasion never solves the problem.

Does it?

Maybe Lai was right. Walking away from someone would make him worth more than you would realise. Maybe I do give love the worst name ever. Then again, we are all victims of that, one way or another.
I found myself simmering down and took another drag from the dunhillfrost. I knew immediately. It is something I had to face, not lose.

I'm not interested in "whose fault is it?" anymore. I'm sure it's mine and yours to bear. The last thing I want to do is to be your stumbling block. It'll be the hardest thing to say and do now, but we should exit it with every shred of dignity left; on account of whatever we had ever shared.

I extinguished my last stick and smiled to Lai. Without doubt.

Don't give up, just yet.

Humble Me, Lord

2007-06-05T10:44:00.000+08:00

I've been a fool all these while, Lord.
It happens for Your reason.
Heal me, Lord.
Humble me, Lord.

I've grown distant from You.
You never left a single bit.
Heal Me, Lord.
Humble me, Lord.

I was healed, at a price.
Maybe it wasn't too much a price to begin with.
Emotionless now;
You've healed me, Lord.

Humble me, Lord.
Bring me back on bended knees.
Show me and make me strong.
Give me wisdom, courage and serenity.

With importunity,
I claim in Jesus' Name. Amen.

Pain

2007-05-29T11:49:00.000+08:00

We are wired to experience it. We like it, at times, without compunction. Otherwise it usually creeps on into us, surreptitiously, and we suddenly find ourselves hating it, empty and tormented.
It makes lives real, and lessons palpable to the heart. It gives efforts, their worth.

Usually, we defensively attempt to subdue it in our warped minds, an achievement, a satisfaction gained in so many ways.

Yes, we do love pain, not in a love love kind of way. God created it not to punish nor condemn, rather to teach us it's inevitability and a substantial reason to love. This i hold in firm wistfulness. A sprinkle of hope; because we know the best is yet to come.

"Towards pain's end, ever beautiful the morning after greets."

Running

2007-05-28T16:40:00.000+08:00

is many things to me: fitness, therapy, euphoria, solitude.

"It's the proof of my corporeal existence, my ability to control my movement through space if not time, and the obedience, however temporary, of my body to my will.
As I run, I displace air, and things come and go around me, and the path moves like a filmstrip beneath my feet."

I'm flying now, that golden feeling, as if I could run right into the air, I can only acquiesce to it. And I'm invincible, nothing can stop me.

nothing can stop me. nothing.

Contemplating

2007-05-28T13:07:00.000+08:00

I shall pray about this. I feel like I'm nowhere... limbo.

Problem solved

2007-05-26T02:10:00.001+08:00

This time I knew better (:
This time I wasn't overtly sensitive.
This time I felt nothing but calmness in my heart.

We dealt with things the proper way. We moved on. As adults... and as friends. finally.
And I'm happy for you. I really am. It's all forgiven now. Thank you for loving me this way.

Thank you for wishing me your best and your blessings.

And I'll continue to pray for you in every way. May the Lord continue to grace and bless you always.

It saddens me...

2007-05-20T21:42:00.000+08:00

... seeing the state you're in. Despite our differences in the past, I never wanted things to turn out this way.

There's nothing to apologise, you... nor me.
We had our stand and our individual reasons. I respected your wishes. I never stayed angry at what you've done.

I know you'll be reading this, so here goes...

Come back home man. We miss you. Your family needs you. She needs you. There's too much to leave behind. Come back and talk it out. Everyone will face it with you. Everyone.

Come back home dude.

Love is a Decision (Part Deux)

2007-05-20T10:49:00.000+08:00

(i'm on a blogroll... fairly obvious isn't it? :)

One of the last words of Christ is a NEW commandment (see previous post, Jn 13:34).
What exactly is new about it?
Previously, Jesus has always given the love of self as the measure for the love of a neighbour.

"You shall love your neighbour as yourself" (Lev 19:18)

However, things have changed. "As I have loved you" has set a new measure, that we must love another in the way Jesus did - gracious, sacrificial and condescending.
He gave His Godly life for us, so we are commanded to be willing to give our lives for the ones we seek to truly love.

Yeah, humanly IMPOSSIBLE.
Obviously, such pure love is unachievable by our own muscle. For only God can pour this love in a human heart.
Such form of true, divine love can surface only by centering God in the relationships we fondly forge. Matrimony is but one way of confirming this importance.
(friends who have attended the wedding homily would surely find this going in hand with what Fr. Goh had said)

Love is a decision of the will, regardless of our natural likes, dislikes or sympathies. How concretely are we willing to set aside differences and set our foot in to sacrifice time, energy and (maybe in some possible extremities) life goals to show our love for someone?

We are always free to choose how true our love is gonna be.

I picked up the coaster again and smiled.
I'm gonna try to love again.

this time. unselfishly. properly.

Love is a Decision (Part Uno)

2007-05-20T10:11:00.000+08:00

was tidying up my room when I caught a glimpse of a bunch of coasters, souvenirs from a beautiful wedding I attended last night.

The line, centralised on the pink coaster, simply read, "Love is a decision"

It spoke to me in proportions. I recalled past relationships, when I chose to believe, that I did love. I think.
Wondered how it all crumbled eventually; and figured why at the end of the day, neither of us then couldn't give enough.
I realised how much we learnt together at tough times, about life and ourselves.

and realised, how would Love be God's greatest commandment... and the hardest (:

"I give you a new commandment: love one another.
As I have loved you, so you also should love another."
John 13:34

It seems strange at first; why would Jesus phrase love as something that can be commanded? Isn't love something essentially free and spontaneous? That wonderful feeling, which makes our worlds go round? How can you even order someone to have a feeling anyway?

I feel that, more than often, the modern world and mass media has misled us. Numerous genre of music has presented love solely as a feeling, an emotion. It's hard not to agree, that at almost anywhere you can find the words like "feel", "emotions", "feeling" being equated to love.

For many of our contemporaries, love is a romantic feeling; and at the limit, a temporary infatuation.

Yeah, now I make it sound so bad =p

but I'd like to believe that love is a steady, disciplined will to seek good of another person.
What about our feelings and emotions? It would be a lie, to deny feelings of affection, tenderness, pleasure, pain, jealousy and sorrow coupled when we love. But that's not always the case.

Feelings and emotions do not define love, maybe a precursor or consequence; but never the indicator.

Love is a decision to extend yourself for another.
Stretching out, even when it's painful, for someone else's benefit. It's an act of free will, which is why it can be commanded after all. We can choose when, to either start or stop.

Have you decided on loving someone?

It's times like this...

2007-05-19T16:02:00.000+08:00

... when reality hits you like a kick in the nuts.

When you look back and realise
how hypocritical, immature and selfish you never thought you were.

And I'm sorry. I really am.
I know you're tired. I didn't make things better this time.

I'm sorry.

forgive me.

Random Bad Day

2007-05-18T13:00:00.000+08:00

I've finally placed my finger on what's causing my moodiness.

NTU's been giving me another round of hellish crap. Okay, I'm partly responsible too.
Eager to settle some matters after this week. Can't wait for that feeling of liberation.

Amber! and I'm eager to see... ... I've been longing for... ... since the past 2-3 days (:

Short-term goals
1. Pray More (okay, this should be a lifetime goal i know)
2. Run More
3. Read More
4. Cook More (:

PS: Rexband is pretty easy on the ears. Lady Grey Tea Rocks!

*WEDDING'S TOMORROW! WOOT!*

Fate is funny...

2007-05-17T14:40:00.000+08:00

... in that while thinking of someone, the same person in mind would actually appear immediately right before you, calling your name. what a pleasant surprise i had today.

works both ways, i feel.

slept the entire, early noon. outreach timing was a tad ungodly and it was hard waking up on time (relied on my 3 alarms!).
Thank you Lord and dear Mother Mary for guiding me through the sharings. I'm glad, that some of the SAC gals are stepping forward to spread the word about YISS and even better - participating themselves!

It's a wonder how extensively, the Spirit works in us; till a point that our perception of its power becomes a severe understatement.
I believe that the Spirit works in all ways to bind two or more people together, forming communities.
I believe that the Spirit takes part in the decisions of life we make, crucial or not.
I believe in His omnipresence. I believe that He's the voice that never fails to whisper into our occasional deaf ears, whenever we meet with a crossroad, telling us what is right, weighing our pros and cons.

I believe, that He brought me love (:
I believe He sent people whom I can cherish, who are significant to me and vice-versa.

The Spirit brought me love; and the fate we shared today.

Time I

2007-05-15T08:27:00.000+08:00

Random thought, after being woken up by a call.

Have you ever wished, if you could once again relive the moments, that you dread in the past or even till this day?
Revisiting your regrets and making sure that this time, things would be done differently?
Righting your past wrongs?

I did. Everyone does at some point in life.

but if time really does replay by itself. I would've probably realised, that doing exactly the same things I would regret and call myself stupid for doing now, would only make me Winston.

History is constant.
Maybe that's why we have good ones, to remind us of our significance and the important people we often neglect in life; and the bad ones, for us to learn and progress.

Change is constant.
part and parcel of progress... 'nuff said. however, sadly, regression too.

God is constant.
He is love. Love is constant.
It's the decisions we make to love, the passions and feelings that drive us to become.
it's hope that keeps us from moving backwards.
it's the courage that jolts us out of our self-pitying shit and a genuine (i remember the pronunciation, amber :) character.

we sought to know what we believe in; and in turn, believe in what we know.
so think, without love in this world, the other constants (and probably everything else) would cease to exist.

Have you made that decision to love someone? is this person worth it?
or do you usually move with your emotions?
but how accurate or "correct" do our emotions tell about the people we truly, ought to love?
Sometimes your head clarifies, what your heart can't measure.

"All mankind has seen it;
men gaze on it from afar.
How great is God—beyond our understanding!
The number of his years is past finding out"

(Job 36:25-26)

He's the love that transcends all time (:

Rollerblading...

2007-05-14T20:50:00.000+08:00

... bananabread + yong tau foo + mint&durian icecream + rojak = time of my life (:

Been nearly a month...

2007-05-13T21:58:00.000+08:00

... since I spent time with the Amplify peeps. (cos of the exams)

I miss them; the feeling of belonging and support we shared. I miss the diversity of individuals congregating with a single purpose: to glorify God's Name and His Works.
I miss the (fun and bubbly!) Hospi Team.
Everybody's been so busy and caught up with work, Career and Ministry.

Maybe I never say it before guys, (so here goes...) I did miss you all lah (:

Attended Dom&Daph's wedding rehearsal at St. Francis Xavier Church, Serangoon Gardens.
it was my first time at the church and was really taken in by the stained glass works and blue sun rays, that illuminated the main hall. realised there was more than i had expected to do for ushering, but i'm more excited for the happy couple. we were so burned by the end of everything, headed to Borsch Steakhouse to chill and have dinner. the signature soup still rocks my socks (:

Iggy was having one of those unlucky bad days, on top of it he was feeling really beat. Poor guy. I could list his series of unfortunate events. nah I shouldn't... for now.

Shall stop abruptly here. Suddenly lost the mood to type.

Oh yeah, Happy Mothers' Day to all er, Mums! Though I don't think anybody's mama would be visiting my blog... right?

Nothing...

2007-05-12T22:10:00.000+08:00

...but a hardened heart.

Reality, it permeates.

2007-05-11T10:41:00.000+08:00

These days have to gone to waste like wine, that's turned to turpentine.

6 a.m. and I'm all messed up. Reality permeates and we're growing up.

Sometimes, we refuse to admit that our time is running up. we feel as if we'll live forever. we dream of dreams that won't happen. we lament and compare our lives with greener pastures.

Hope is a dangerous thing - it sets things in motion, but can destroy lives too.
Hope brings joy and promise. Hope stems from nobody but God. we either choose to accept it, or more than often... not.

Love is a decision. It entails affection, pain, sacrifice, lack of reason and a truckload of unrelated emotions. Love is a decision; and we can choose to stay or leave.

Feelings and emotions are my greatest foes. but they make me... me.
i hate them, but i don't hate myself; i'm a walking (oxy)moron.

This days have gone to waste like wine, that's turned to turpentine. We're all growing up and nothing matters so long as we are happy.

make do with what we have. love anyway. hope anytime. stay close to God - He's our only chance (:

God bless.

Too often...

2007-05-11T10:32:00.000+08:00

...the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have.

Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life.

But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most,

are those who don't know what they want.

Accomplishments @ Me-time

2007-05-09T22:47:00.000+08:00

I'm proud of myself today. *beams*

7 things...
1. Learnt a new recipe.
2. Saw a picture, which had me smiling at mere thoughts of it (:
3. Found someone to submit my Programming Module project. (thanks cousin Ally!)
4. Settled the 8 ushers for Dom&Daph's Wedding.
5. Broke my 5-km record time; learnt a new mental strategy.
6. Planned/Updated my holiday schedule for May/June.
7. Settled discussion questions for tomorrow's Bible Studies. (well, almost.)

I'm proud of myself today...

...and hyped about tomorrow
you know why.

Lionel's 22nd...

2007-05-05T03:59:00.000+08:00

...Birthday @ Hog's Breath, Chijmes. Got home at 3.30am.

been a while since the unholy trio (i.e. Russ, Lionel & me) sat for a meal together. spent the entire night chatting over dinner and catching up on anything, everything - from the waitresses, girls, russ' "coldness" (LOL!) to love, life, philosophy and work.

Birthday song on our way to jazz@southbridge, moments before the midnight when the day ends. weird how the stupid phone made our voices (especially mine!) so nasal.

The time we share can be compared to no other. It's been a blast tonight.

always has been (:

To my bestestcraziestnicest buds, I love ya'guys!

Oh, and Happy Birthday again, Dearest Lionel!

I couldn't breathe...

2007-05-04T03:10:00.000+08:00

let alone sleep.

I wrote a poem,
about my ached heart.
Only to realise
t'was me, right from the start.

Fallen from love
in the depths of sin.
Swollen in pain,
I need Your strength within.

A bitter song
will make things better.
But what can heal me
my wounds, scars for that matter?

A glimmer of hope,
only You can give.
I'd stretch out my hand,
and find that reason to live.

And love,
like springtimes come to go
my heart shall stay
this winter's cold.

I should stop making THIS miserable anymore.

Anxiety attacked...

2007-04-30T01:45:00.000+08:00

... these few days.

could it be the unnecessary worries?
perhaps it's the whole aftermath of bad habits i've indulged to curb the exam blues.

it'll be over in moments... i'm hanging there. pray for me!

Don't Stop Me Now...

2007-04-29T19:14:00.000+08:00

... I'm gonna have a good time this holidays!

and i can't contain my excitementtt... YELLLS!!! BOOOM!!! RAWRRR!!! WHEEE!!!

(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:

"Dealbreakers"

2007-04-27T12:47:00.000+08:00

Heard of the the film "Closer"?
It came into mind while buying packed lunch today. for most who caught the movie, (the human romance and dynamics of) their dysfunctional relationships was something worth remembering in the dialogue-heavy script. the development of the love, betrayal and tragedy each of the four endured was entertaining...
but it got me thinking about...

"Dealbreakers": When is enough, enough?

Some if not many of us, persist in submitting ourselves towards a destructive relationship, despite the hurt and malice it brings; knowing for a fact inside, that it may not last. Larry and Dan (clive owen and jude law) couldn't handle the infidelity of their love, though ironically they were responsible for each other's dealbreaker. Anna and Alice (julia roberts and natalie portman) knew that distrust takes the cake.
However it isn't the knowledge of what our personal dealbreaker(s) that justified the end of relationships. Dealbreakers are sometimes hard to define and easy to conceive anyway.

It's the courage to walk away, move on.

I quote from wikipedia's review,
"The way that each character treats each other is self-serving and self-pitying. Anna and Dan fall into the trap of taking the simpler road rather than the more trying, more rewarding one. Larry keeps the spoils but has done so at the cost of the trust he should have always had with his wife."

Alice was the only person who walked away.
She saw the dealbreaker... and moved on. She didn't turn and look back; and became a better woman. She struck a strong personality ever since the start of the show, which is something that we should learn over the course of love and relationships - to muster that courage for change and growth.

How tormenting life would be without God. there'd be nothing to look forward when we fail to love. He never fails us, so does love. (since God is Love after all!)
We need strength to walk - something only He can provide... a peace the world can never give.

"Come unto me, ye who are weary and overburdened, and I will give you rest."
- Matthew 11:28

I know that feeling (:

to whoever reading this, this entry's an affirmation... or encouragement. Do it for yourself. Living well, if not better, might just be your best shot.

Memories...

2007-04-25T09:07:00.000+08:00

... are beautiful; and scary.

I think my memories are usually locked up in some high-security vault deep, deep within. untouchable. even to myself, sometimes.

Sometimes, security's so tight, those memories of us being happy would seem so vague during bouts of anger, sadness... and disappointment.
At other times, security's so haphazard; next thing I know, the pain hurts doubly - the bad things we might find in the safe box.

Memories come with a price.

Wouldn't it be great that it's free? that we can erase the bad stuff and keep the good ones alive? that we can forget the affliction of others and replace it with everlasting sunshine goodness?

Delightful memories tell us to love. Bitter ones, serve to remind.

Aching memories probably requires a lower clearance, it's so easy to hate when we recall the the emotional torture endured; than remember how much of that negativity has been placed on Christ's shoulders... on the shoulders of our loved ones... and on our shoulders.
But we still hate nonetheless. It's too easy.

and try, try as you may, to love again.

Memories don't vanish. they simply lie in layers of security - precious ones are kept in many; that's why they're harder to reach.
if it isn't hard, it's not worth doing anyway.

beautiful but scary isn't it? (:

That darned feeling...

2007-04-23T21:00:00.000+08:00

...is creeping up on me again.

stop. winston.

you've been screwed enough times. you're more prepared now. you've seen enough. you've hurt and grown. get a grip; and Deal with it.

I'm such a piss-ass... a credulous fool sometimes.

"Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart"

7 days (:
Placing it back in God's hands.

At The Last Leg

2007-04-22T17:53:00.000+08:00

Hope
as the sky stays blue.

Faith
as the grass thrives through.

Love
as the sun falls to rise.

--- --- --- so --- --- ---

Pray
that the rain stops soon.

Believe
that it will all come through...

Love
that keeps us alive.

Had an overwhelming...

2007-04-21T21:59:00.000+08:00

...feeling of happiness when i spent dinner with Dad & Mom today.

could it be that we've never had a good meal together for almost 3 weeks, since my stay at hall for the exams?

maybe it's the sensing, that my dear folks miss me.
Mom repeatedly asked if I was free for dinner tonight, although I had to turned it down initially.
there was alot of revision pending to be done.

Anyways i'm sure glad we had dinner, despite being an hour behind time for revision plans.
yes, I needed to blog this down.

Perhaps it's cos I finally had dinner with ALL the people, that I wanted most to spend time with this week.

so right now, i'm just... happy (:

"Everything's made to be broken"

2007-04-19T17:18:00.000+08:00

Our brokenness binds us to God.

The world isn't meant to be perfect; and if God begs to differ, there'll be no place in us for Him. simply no place for us at all. Deal with it.

The thing is, people prefer to be stagnant in their comfort zones. even if it isn't that comfortable anymore. Make a new place, find it.

Deal with it and get a move on.

You don't need to tell people, that the world you live in isn't perfect at all.
tell us something we don't know already. Deal with it.

"Nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness." -André Gide

Deal with it.